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Sunday, May 28, 2017

Study: Ventolin Shown To Prolong Life

A new version of Ventolin, aptly termed "Keep-me-alive-olin," has been shown to prolong life. This is according to analysis of studies conducted by the Real Doctor's Creed Committee.

Keepmealivolin was listed as the #61 most popular version of Ventolin prescribed by doctors by our own experts here at the RT Cave.

This version of Ventolin was first recognized by Dr. Happy Lackluster in 1985. He t he ordered a respiratory therapist to give a Ventolin breathing treatment by mask to a patient who was terminally ill, who had an ejection fraction of 20%, and who was in otherwise poor health with terminal bone cancer, diabetes, and kidney failure.

Dr. Lackluster sadly passed away in 1998. However, the RT Cave was able to get ahold of Dr. Will Chambers, a longtime coworker of the beloved Dr. Lackluster.

"He was a fine fellow," said Dr. Chambers. "We were all so impressed with his discovery. I remember Happy  telling the story. He about keeled over laughing because, as he said, 'the respiratory therapist was so unhappy to be giving the treatment.'  He said the therapist said, 'He is not even short of breath.' But, in the end (no pun intended), the therapist was proven wrong, as the patient lived an extra day, long enough to say good-bye to loved ones who had to fly all the way into California from Great Britain."

Dr. Chambers added, "But we were taught in medical school back in the 1980's that if all else fails, order a breathing treatment. Little did we know that Happy stumbled on a new version of Ventolin now aptly titled Keepmealiveolin."

While we have never revealed the true history of it on this blog before, we called the wife of Dr. Lucky Happluster and she was more than happy to provide for us a study. It was performed in 1964, and involved an entirety of four whole patients. Two were given a placebo and two were given Keepmealivolin, and they all lived a little while longer. This was all the proof needed to convince the medical community of the efficacy of keepmealivolin. Two hundred studies since then seemingly proved this initial study wrong, but those studies never changed anything: keepmealivolin is still used to this day.

So, ever since that initial study was published, whenever doctors don't know what else to do when a patient is terminal and things don't look good, it's time to order Ventolin. And, likewise, during a code, when there is nothing else to do, it's time for Keepmealiveolin. If necessary, it can be given inline with the AMBU-bag.

And it's not like this is unusual. The hypoxic drive theory is based on a study of 4 COPD patients from the late 1960's. So, who's to say 4 patients can't prove that Keepmealivolin won't prolong life. It can at least buy a patient a day or two, perhaps an opportunity to say goodbye to loved ones who live 10 or more hours away who need time to travel.

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