Wheezing? Albuterol.
Short of breath? Albuterol.
Fever? …still albuterol.
At some point, you realize we’re not just giving treatments—we’re following tradition.
Over the years, a more accurate classification system has quietly developed.
1. 0.5cc Ventolin
Symptom: Wheeze / SOB
Diagnosis: Bronchospasm
Frequency: Q4 & PRN
Effect: Actual bronchodilation. The original. The reason this all started. It works great for asthma, but is used for all annoying lung sounds and when the patient is short of breath and the doctor doesn't know what else to do.
2. 0.5cc Preventolin
Symptom: Surgery
Diagnosis: General
Frequency: Q4
Effect: Prevents pneumonia, atelectasis, pulmonary embolus, MI, rickets, and possibly bad weather.
3. 0.5cc Mystolin
Symptom: Fever
Diagnosis: Non-specific
Frequency: Q4
Effect: A study showed that 100% of patients who received Mystolin eventually recovered.
4. 0.5cc Cardiacolin
Symptom: “Cardiac wheeze”
Diagnosis: CHF / Pulmonary edema / MI
Frequency: Q4 ATC
Effect: Even though fluid is the problem, the treatment remains the same.
5. 0.5cc Meetcriteriolin
Symptom: Vague complaints
Diagnosis: Pneumonia (despite normal X-ray, labs, and lungs)
Frequency: Q4 ATC
Effect: Ensures all boxes are checked. Outcome optional.
6. 0.63mg NoShakenex
Symptom: Shakes
Diagnosis: Side effect of albuterol
Frequency: Q4
Effect: Same medication, different name, same result.
7. 2.5mg Atrovent (Solo Edition)
Symptom: Anything or nothing
Diagnosis: “Allergy” to albuterol
Frequency: Q4–6
Effect: Backdoor bronchodilation. Also effective at testing RT patience.
8. 0.5cc Coolovent
Symptom: Fever
Diagnosis: Post-op
Frequency: Q4
Effect: Mechanism unclear. Provider reassurance high.
9. CVA-Albuterol
Symptom: Rhonchi
Diagnosis: Weak cough / poor airway clearance
Frequency: Q2–4
Effect: Followed by suctioning to eliminate concerning sounds.
10. 0.5cc Scrubbin-Bubblin
Symptom: Productive cough
Diagnosis: “Junky” lungs
Frequency: Q4
Effect: Bubbles imply progress. Doctors think the foaming bubbling action cleans out the lungs just like scribbin bubbles gets all the dirt and grime out of a dirty sink.
11. 0.5cc O-Buterol
Symptom: Mouth open, sleeping comfortably
Diagnosis: Existing in a hospital bed
Frequency: Q4 ATC
Effect: Maintains tradition. If a patient has an O they must need albuterol.
More to come…
Because this list didn’t stop at 11.
Not even close.
Source:
Inspired by an older RT humor piece, updated and expanded with real-world observations
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