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Saturday, March 10, 2012

More olins

More Fake-'Olins:  (To view the top 171 'olins click here)
The following list has been prepared to further specific aid to the respiratory therapist's understanding of breathing treatments that have been clear to registered nurses and doctors for years. 

172.  0.5cc Hypoxolin

Symptom:  hypoxia, high CO2, pulmonary edema

Diagnosis:  Heart failure

Frequency:  Q4-6

Effect:  The patient wearing a 75 percent non rebreather mask to maintain an spo2 of 90% must be given Ventolin because it causes the patient to become hypoxic during the treatment.  Yes, you read that right.  The goal here is  that the 5-10 minutes of hypoxia that occurs during the treatment will increase the patient's respiratory rate in order to blow off excess CO2. Respiratory Therapist grumbling to be expected.  

Note for doctors who barely passed med school:  A breathing treatment from an oxygen source provides approximately 60 percent oxygen.  A nonrebreather does not produce 100 percent oxygen because one flap is always missing due to litigation purposes, and this results in an estimated FiO2 of 75 percent.  

If 75% Fio2 was maintaining a 90% SpO2 you can expect the patient's SpO2 to drop to 85 percent during this highly recommended therapy.  In England this exercise is called hypoxia therapy, yet here in America we don't want to be that obvious, so we just call it an Albuterol breathing treatment.

173.  0.5cc Postoponepherine

Symptom:  post operative stridor, ghasping noises due to inadequate breathing, low spo2,

Diagnosis:  Noted bronchospasm.  The RT will say patient has sleep apnea, but we know it's bronchospasm.  What the hell, bronchospasm is the only thing that can cause such annoying lung sounds.

Frequency:  Q1

Effect:  Patient will eventually wake up from the anesthesia and we can give credit to the breathing treatment.

 175.  Exorcistobuterol

Symptom:  Hearing voices, delusions, disorganized speech, social and occupational dysfunction

Diagnosis:  Schizophrenia

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  The Greek term skhizein means to split.  By inexplicable means the S(hit) isomer of the Aluterol molecule is believed to un-split the personality, thus making it easier to for the person to communicate.  Side effect may include innocuous mumbling and faux obstructive lung disease.

176.  0.5cc Hiccuputerol

Symptom:  Patient has hiccups

Diagnosis:  Any

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Crosses blood brain barrier, specifically targets the phrenic nerve, and, ultimately, connects with receptor sites on the diaphragm to cause it to relax.  May or may not cause immediate effect, but hiccups will eventually go away

177.  0.5cc Husholin

Symptom:  Patient talking too much

Diagnosis:  Generic

Frequency:  Q4 or QID

Effect:  The theory is that a patient can't talk with a pipe stuffed in his mouth.  Don't be shocked if patient talks nonstop during treatment.  Not to be confused with microphonuterol.

178.  0.5cc Microphonuterol

Symptom:  Patient annoyingly talks to much

Diagnosis:  Any

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Albuterol nebulizer acts as a microphone encouraging the patient to talk and talk and talk and talk about nothing you want to talk about.  The idea here is similar to RN rule #62 whereas the patient is annoying so respiratory therapy must be involved in patient care.

179.  1.25mg Taciturnex

Same as Husholin but with a cooler name. 

180.  1.25 Fluidenex

Symptom:  Patient rattling can be heard across room, rhonchi/ rhales, initially patient in respiratory distress, patient may initially present in failure with a pH of less than 7.30.  BiPAP may or may not be utilized.

Diagnosis:  CHF, MI, pulmonary edema, fulmonary edema

Frequency:  Continuous then Q4

Effect:  This is isomer of Ventoiln actually works by simply adding moisture to an already wet lung.  We know this sounds crazy, but the extra fluid in lungs actually helps push fluid out of lungs into bloodstream where it is excreted with help of any diuretic.  Works best if in conjunction with BiPAP.  This works better than BiPAPuterol due to cardiac cause.

181.  0.5cc BiPAP uterol

A cheaper version of Fluidenex

182.  0.5cc Revivolin

Symptom:  Obtunded patient

Diagnosis:  Generic

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  Crosses blood brain barrier to stimulate brain cells and increases patient alertness.  Some patients may actually, eventually open their eyes.

182.  0.5cc Biodunculator

Symptom:  Surgery

Diagnosis:  Abdominal, thoracic

Frequency:  QID for 3 days post operative

Effect:  Simple spelling change proves that surgery is an indication for bronchodilator.

183.  0.5cc Tachypnolin

Symptom:  Tachypnea (speedy respiratory rate)

Diagnosis:  Hyperventolating patient, anxiety

Frequency:  Q1 time

Effect:  We don't know what else to do to slow down the respiratory rate so why not try a bronchodilator.  May alternate with Coolovent or Preventolin.

184.  0.5cc Nosocomialmenicocciwestnilevirusolin

Symptom:  Anal problems

Diagnosis:  Generic

Frequency:  Q4 ATC

Effect:  Um, we're sure it does something to make patient get better eventually.

185.  1.25 Expandenex

Symptom:  Fever

Diagnosis:  Atelectasis, post op, pneumo

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  The med magically shrinks to 1 microns and passes through bronchioles to alveolar region and fills the alveoli up with ventolin molecules and, thus, expanding them.  Works similar to PEEP. 

186.  PEEPuterol

Similar to Expandenex except the S(hit) isomer binds with the R-isomer to prevent the medicine from sticking to the ventilator/BiPAP circuit. 

187.  0.5cc Becauseolin

Symptoms:  Weak, fell, possible ETOH, roting skin, malnutrition, poor general health, patient homeless or simply poor self care, possible gangrene, possible non compliant patient

Diagnosis:  Unknown, GI bleed, MRSA, ETOH, possibly even sepsis, pneumonia, c-diff, hepatitis, Aids, metabolic disturbance, electrolyte imbalance, etc.

Frequency:  Now and Q4 if patient admitted.

Effect:  Has no known effect, but we know that if patient has a morbid smell or is obnoxious RT should be involved in patient's care (see RT rule #62).  Studies are inconclusive, but we have to keep ordering it because there is still that one percent chance it might have some sort of effect. 

188.  Leavemyassaloneolin

Symptom:  No signs of respiratory distress.  May have smoked once.  May have had asthma once. Stridor. Cardiac wheeze. 

Diagnosis:  General, nosocomial COPD

Frequency:  Ordered Q4, but patient will refuse

Effect:  Works same as Ventolin.  Dr. was called so many times by the RT that he simply ordered treatmetns just to get the RN to quit paging him. 

189.  0.5cc InfluVentolin

Symptom;  General malaise

Diagnosis:  Influenza

Frequency:  One amp

Effect:  The influenza virus binds with the Ventolin and is exhaled by patient.  A famous advertising slogan for this new medicine is:  "In flew Enza, in flew Ventolin, out flew influenza."

190.  Ventolin MRSA

Symptoms:  General

Diagnosis:  Spontaneous MRSA, usually patient who has been in hspital at least a week

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Ventolin leaves lungs and hunts down MRSA bugs and eats them up.  Okay, so this isn't true, but we don't know what else to do, so we might as well annoy RT.

191.  Ventolin PIA

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  Pain in the ass patient (PIA)

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  This is a medicine like Duoneb, ni which it is a mixture of Becausolin and Leavemyassaloneolin.  The theory is that if the patient is a PIA, we need to get RT involved (see RN Rule #64)

192.  Toolateolin

Symptom:  Varying critical symptoms from grim to post CPR

Diagnosis:  See list in the effects section below

Frequency:  Continuous

Effect:  Most effective treatment for hopeless conditions.  Use should be initiated by RN only.  Drug has demonstrated no untoward effect when used for pulmonating edema, pneumothorax, cardiac tamponade, severe chest trauma, upper airway obstruction, nor agonal breathing.  Like Xopenex, this drug comes ni varying doses for cardiopulmonary arrest, v-tach, prolonged apnea, multi-system failrue, end stage mets, pulmonary infarct, rigor mortis or any other condition threatening imminent mortality

Note:  Technically speaking, this should be alternated with Fuckonex, but at this point which medicine you use is basically a crapshoot anyway, but we gotta do something.

193.  Tryagainolin

Symptom:  Varying critical symptoms from grim to post CPR

Diagnosis:  SGD, HGD, STD

Frequency:  Continuous

Effect:  A version of Toolatolin (as described above).  Used continuous for prolonged periods should result in relief for all involved, with exception of patient and RT. 

Note:  Repeated use on multiple patients of Toolateolin, Waytoolatolin, or tryagainolin may result in changes.  Normally witty RTs may respond to reasonable treatment requests with caustic cynicism.  Normally, cynical RTs may respond to idiot requests with unconcealed anger.  Normally, angry RTs may become despondent and resort to tears after self mutilating their heads on teh closest brick wall.

194.  Waytoolateolin

Symptom:  Very critical symptoms from grim to post CPR

Diagnosis:  SGD, HGD, STD

Frequency:  Continuous

Effect:  A version of Toolateolin (as described above).  Used continuous for prolonged periods should result in relief of all involved, with exception of patient and RT. 

Further precautions:  Treatments with Toolateolin, Muchtoolateolin and Waytoolateolin must be carefully documented.  Charted comments such as "this treatment was a worthless waste of time," or "patient remained apneic post treatment," may prove to be uncomfortable for doctors, RNs and RT department supervisors resulting in further unenhanced working conditions or threatened continued employment. 

195.  Muchtoolateolin

Symptom:  Apnea, flatline

Diagnosis:  Death

Frequency:  continuous

Effect:  May help bring the patinet back. 

196.  0.5cc MI-olin

Symptoms:  Chset pain maybe, hypoxemia, EKG that shows elevated ST segment, No respiratory distress.  May present with low SpO2 (75%) which increases with NRB

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  Q1 (may repeat)

Effect:  The medicine diffuses across the pulmonary membranes, to the bloodstream, and works its way to the heart, increasing the affinity of oxygen to necrotic tissue.  It also dissolves clots in the coronary arteries.  This should be followed by a STAT EKG, which should show that what was previously thought to be an MI is now.  RT will cringe about the treatment, and groan about the oxygen boost fixing the patient.

Note:  Should alternate with coronoryolin and angioplastybuterol

197.  Angioplastybuterol

Symptoms:  Chest pain maybe, hypoxemia, EKG shows elevated ST segment, No respiratory distress.  May present with low SpO2 (75%) which increases with NRB.

Diagnosis:  General, MI

Frequency:  Q1 (may repeat)

Effect:  The Ventolin molecules shrink to 1 micron and travel across the alveolar capillary regions, through the bloodsteam and back to the heart where they collect around the clot and build-up over time. After a while there will be enough ventolin molecules in front of the clot that the artery will dilate.  This will negate the need for a balloon angioplasty or any other annoying test for the patient. 

Note:  Should alternate with MI-olin and S

198.  Insulinolin

Symptoms:  Various. Basically doctor has no clue

Diagnosis:  Various

Frequency:  Various

Effect:  The patient's just not right, so we better just do a treatment.  Who cares that the patient's insulin is 40.

199.  Insulinex

Same as Insulinolin except the deletion of the R-Isomer makes the Albuterol molecule more slick and provides quicker access to the body.

200.  Mucobuterol

Symptom:  Crackles in one base, mild sob, perhaps a dry, harsh barking, nonproductive cough

Diagnosis:  Mostly pneumonia, but possibly a little pulmonary edema

Frequency:  Q1 and then again in an hour and then an hour after that and an hour after that... until patient is good enough to no longer need the ER

Effect:  Why waste your time writing the order for mucomyst with Ventolin when all you need to do is order mucobuterol, which works more quickly adn easily than mucomyst.  The bonds of Albuterol blend in with the mucous and the receptor cells of the Albuterol turn into little tiny scissors and chop up the mucous to make it easy to cough up. 

Note:  Usually patient will be discharged to home without being able to expectorate anything, but that doesn't mean the therapy might not work at some point in the couple weeks.

201.  Angioplastybuterol

Symptom:  CP, EKG changes, ST elevation, pt denies any distress whatsoever, patient may present with low SpO2 that increases with NRB. 

Diagnosis:  MI

Frequency:  Q1

Effect:  This med must be given just prior and immediately after placing patient on NRB.  Repeat EKG will show that ST elevation is gone.  RT will grumble this is result of oxygen boost, but we know it was the treatment.  By some magic power Albuterol now is capable of dissolving a clot in the coronary arteries and fixing an MI

202.  Sputum-thinner-olin

Symptom:  Denies SOB, Dr. wants a sputum specimin. Spo2 mid 80s

Diagnosis:  Who knows

Frequency:  Q1 hour in ER until patient is admitted to floor or discharged to home

Effect:  It works more powerfully than mucomyst to thin secretions that really don't need thinning.  It's also supposed to increase the sat, although it doesn't increase the sat (the oxygen does).  Okay, well, this is too complicated to explain to an RT.  So, just give them this line and listen to them grumble and groan:  "Because her sats were in the mid 80s, I thought a treatment would help with that.  I also think she has thick sputum, and the treatment might loosen things up a bit."  Just memorize that line.

203 Procedurecountuterol

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  Q4 ever

Effect:  Creates work for RT so they don't have to file for unemployment

204.  Apneabuterol

Symptom:  Apnea, stridor, snoring, grunting with inspiration instead of getting air

Diagnosis:  Obstructive Sleep Apnea

Frequency:  Q1 post operative

Effect:  The patient is grunting with inspiration and not breathing adequately so the patient must be having bronchospasm.  May alternate with postopenepherine (see above).

205.  Ipso facto buterol

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  General

EffectIpso facto is a Latin phrase that means "by the fact itself."  This means that an effect is a direct consequence of an action.  For example, the ordering of Albuterol for all annoying lungsounds and all shortness of breath is ipso facto stupid because it's done as a cover for something else, such as lack of intelligence.  In this way the act (the ordering of albuterol) puts the actions of the doctor in question. 

206.  Muco-hopo-myst

Symptom:  None apparent, doctor not sure what to do for patient

Diagnosis:  Doctor not sure

Frequency:  Every other treatment

Effect:  The idea here is if one medicine is good adding a second medicine is great and adding three is even better.  What else can we throw at the patient.  We throw everything we have at the patient and hope something works, and then we give credit to the nebulized medicine.

207.  Ciliabuterol

Symptom:  congested airway, trouble breathing

Diagnosis:  Aspiration pneumonia, pneumonia, chronic bronchitis

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  The albuterol rains out on the cilia in order to increase ciliary action.  This rainout works like watering a vegetable garden, and causes the cilia (like vegetables) to grow full and thick and function well.  This allows for improved mucociliary clearance.

208.  B2 Uterol

Symptom:  Rapid onset dyspnea

Diagnosis:  Emphysema, pneumothorax

Frequency:  Continuous for one hour

Effect:  If you give the treatment long enough you'll assure there are at least two beta adrenergics sitting on each beta adrenergic receptors. The goal is that once the chest tube is inserted the air will come out twice as fast (b2 = beta *2 or twice the effect)

209.  Virtigobuterol


Diagnosis:  Virtigo

Frequency:  Once is plenty.

Effect:  Ventolin grabs CO2 and holds tight and goes along for ride acoss blood brain barrier to steady the infrastructure in your head so you don't feel like your movin no more.  It also can be squirted in the ear to relieve virtigo caused by inflammation  of the inner ear. 

210.  Flatulin

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  Any post op

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Gives em gas eventually.  Helps get the bowel's moving.  It's a gas.  Given post op to get 'em farten.

211.  Achoobuterol

Symptom:  Sneeze

Diagnosis:  Allergies

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:   None noted, yet it sounded like a cool name.  Maybe the mist spewing from your mouth has some bronchodilitating properties.  Ah, probably not. 

212.  ASID-userol

Symptoms:  Shortness of breath, rapid deep breathing,

Diagnosis:  Metabolic Acidosis

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  All metabolic acidosis conditions must be treated with ASID (Albuterol Solves Increment Disorders).

 213.  RT Buterol

Symptom:  Pt doesnt' look quite right

Diagnosis:  Faux Pneumonia

Frequency:  Q4 and 2prn

Effect:  The fake diagnosis of pneumonia automatically requires RT to be in room every 4-6 hours to assess patient.  May alternate with assessuterol. 

213.  NFR buterol

Symptom:  Inconventiently low spo2

Diagnosis:  Post op patient who was supposed to go home two hours ago but can't because the dog gone sat won't go up higher than 88 percent.

Frequency:  Once

Effect:  No F-ing reason for the treatment the surgeon was getting tired of watching the pulse ox and finally realized he couldnt' wish it higher so a breathing treatment was the only option left that he could think of.  Hah, this way the RT can take over watching the pulse ox monitor.  This sort of plays along the old theory:  When in doubt, call RT.

214.  Infiltratuterol 

Symptom:  Inconveniently low SpO2

Diagnosis:  Post op patient who was supposed to go home two hours ago but can't because the dog gone sat won't go up higher than 88 percent and we've already tried NFR buterol and it didn't do any good.

Frequency:  Once after trial of NFR buterol and X-ray taken

Effect:  The X-Ray surprisingly showed new infiltrate so -- based on the x-ray alone -- the patient MUST have Albuterol.  Note:   Infiltrate in this case must also mean bronchospasm.  It has absolutely nothing to do with overloading the patient with fluid during surgery.  ABG must be ordered 30 minutes after bronchodilator to check efficacy of therapy

215.  X-Ray Buterol 

Symptom:  Low SpO2, respiratory distress,

Diagnosis:  Faux pneumonia, fulmonating pulmonary edema, pedal edema, post operative with invonveniently low spo2, inexplicable dyspnea

Frequency:  Q once

Effect:  Observation of inexplicable infiltrates on x-ray means Albuterol must be indicated.

216.  ABGuterol

Symptoms:  Abnormal ABG

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  Once

Effect:  So the ABG wasn't normal Albuterol must be indicated.  ABG must be repeated one hour after ABGuterol.  Note:  Such an order is proven to cause RT to get the ABGbies.

217.  Advairuterol

Symptom:  NARDN

Diagnosis:  pre operative, general

Frequency:  Once

Effect:  The patient forgot his Advair so Ventilin is indicated just prior to the surgery.

218.  1.25 Slowpenex

Symptom:  Rapid heart rate

Diagnosis:  COPD

Frequency:  Q6

Effect:  Cardiac muscle has a high affinity for this inhaled medicine.  It has the soothing ability to talk the heart down to a rythm doctors like.  It should slow down within 4-8 hours, or at least by the time the patient is discharged.  Medicine must be continuously in system to have a chance to work, so most experts recommend a dosage every six hours.  Most studies show the heart rate should be slowed down by the 5th treatment, but just in case the order should be maintained until patient discharge.

219.  Ipatropium Slowmide

Symptom:  Rapid heart rate

Diagnosis:  COPD, general

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  Generally used in conjunction with slowpenex.  Ipatropium slowmide has this uncanny ability to conjoin with slowpenex molecules to speed up it's effect in slowing the heart.

220.  Fastuterol

Symptom:  Slow heart rate

Diagnosis:  General



221.  Slopenex (not to be confused with slowpenex)

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  COPD

Frequency:  Q4-6 ATC

Effect:  Helps create a sliding scale whereby the doctor can adjust the SpO2 to the preferred slope along the oxyhemoglobin disassociation curve.  Ideal for CO2 retainers.

222.  Conincidentonex

Symptom:  High heart rate, dyspnea with exertion

Diagnosis:  CHF, pericardio effesion, asthma, COPD, atrial fibrillation

Frequency:  Q6

Effect:  Patient presents with high heartrate due to exacerbation of disease process and has received one or more amps of Albuterol.  A simple change from Albuterol to Xopenex and the heart rate will eventually, coincidentally go down.  We must give credit to the Xopenex for the decrease in heart rate.

223.  Coincidentonex

Symptom:  Dyspnea

Diagnosis:  COPD/CHF, pericardioeffusion,

Frequency:  Q4-6

Effect:  Must be given in conjunction with diuretic.  Study showed 100 patients given diuretic and ventolin together eventually got better, and credit is given every time to the bronchodilator. 

224.  Good-to-the-last-drop-uterol

Symptom:  Dyspnea

Diagnosis:  COPD

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Must puff on neb until every drop of fluid mists from the cup.  Studies show medicine is gone long before last drop of water, yet psychological benefit further dilates bronchioles.

225.  Pericardioeffusolin

Symptom:  Dyspnea

Diagnosis:  Pericardoeffusion

Frequency:  Q6 ATC

Effect:  By powers unbenownsed to RTs Albuterol particles somehow work to absorb fluid from pericardial sac to decrease dyspnea.  Note:  Dyspnea may not be reduced, but this doesn't mean medicine isn't working.  May alternate with absorbolin because one or the other might work.

226.  Babysittolin

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  At least Q6

Effect:  It's essential that if the doctor thinks the patient bears watching aerosolized medicine must be ordered at a regular frequency so RT can assess the patient every so often.  It gets the doctor out of having to assess the patient and takes off pressure from nurses.  The RT, in effect, babysits the patient for duration of therapy.  RTs may complain that they aren't neb jockies, yet we beg to differ.  WE KNOW BABYSITTERS are essential.

227.  Sedateuterol

Symptom:  No symptoms at all, in fact patient is lying in bed all comfortable and showing no signs of respiratory distress whatsoever

Diagnosis:  Sedated post operative, sedate due to detox

Frequency:  Q6 prn but must do treatment because RN insists

Effect:  The patient was refusing need for bronchodilator when he was awake.  Yet now that he's too sedate to speak for himself he must be having bronchospasm. 

228.  T.O. Xopenex

Symptom:  Continuous calls from RN that the patients sats are low, rhonchi, shallow breathing due to sedation

Diagnosis:  general

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Telephone Order (TO) Xopenex is indicated following formal assessment of the patient over the phone and the patients stated heart rate is greater than 100.

229.  T.O. Albuterol

Symptom:  Continous calls from RN that the patients sats are low, rhonchi, shallow breathing due to sedation

Diagnosis:  general

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Telephone Order (TO) Albuterol is indicated following formal assessment of the patient over the phone and the patient's stated herat rate is less than 100.  May alternate with ESPuterol and Assessolin

230.  R.N. Albuterol  (a.k.a. RNA)

Symptom:  General

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  Any

Effect:  The pt doesn't need the treatment but the nurse said so.  So there!!!!

231.  TB Buterol

Symptom:  none

Diagnosis:  Tumor of the cecum/ history of TB in the 1920s

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  Immuno-impressive properties of the proventil prevent tuberculosis from returning

232.  Annoying LS Buterol

Symptom:  Annoying lung sounds (LS)

Diagnosis:  general

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  Patient has annoying lung sounds so patient must be treated as an asthmatic. 

Note:  A common remark from these patient's is:  "They say I'm short of breath but I feel fine."  Don't let this stump you, the patient is still having bronchospasms.

233.  PODuterol

Symptoms:  General

Diagnosis:  General

Frequency:  Q4 or greater

Effect:  POD is an acronym for pissed off doctor The only known effect is to cool off a tempered physician.

211.  Deflatuterol -- side effect pneumo

Symptom:  Dyspnea,

Diagnosis:  Emphysema

Frequency:  Q4

Effect:  Deflates overdistended alveoli

211.  Bullshituterol

Symptom:  Any

Diagnosis:  Any

Frequency: Any

Effect:  None.  No contraindications

212.  O-buterol:   Indicated for those old, toothless folks who lie around snoring through that big O. There's an old lyric that goes something like: O-buterol, O-buterol, O how I love O buterol.

213.  Aerobuterol:   The patient has good air movement so B2 agonist indicated to make sure it stays this way. May be rotated with preventolin.   May also use preventolatorolin, keepmealiveolin, or helpmecrosstheperlygatesolin. Choose the most appropriate Ventolin. 

214.  Nococomialin. Yes, that's an old one but a good one. If I remember right it works to prevent nosocomial COPD. I can't remember the action, do you?

215.  ESPreventolin: Starts dilating air passages before treatment given and even before patient admitted. Must be ordered Q1 while patient still in ambulance

216.  Peptobuterol: Indicated for dyspnea caused by bloated, rock hard stomach. Attaches to fake B2 Receptors in stomach to enhance effect of antacids. Should be ordered Q1 until discharge.

217.  PR Buterol: The mist has a special spin to convince RNs that you are not lazy and trying to get out of work.

218: Drierbuterol: Someone comes in with foaming pulmonary edema it must be given stat. Effect: Albuterol molecules turn into little hair driers and blow warm air over wet alveoli to dry them out.  Dryerbuterol?  Perhaps the fact I spelled it wrong makes it work better.

219.  VentOILinAn oil-like substance that helps to lubricate the space between the heart and the lungs.  It's beneficial for any condition of the pleural space that causes friction, especially pleurisy.  If an EKG is ordered at the same as as VentOILin you should do the treatment first because a reduction of friction may make the EKG look smoother.  May also help with insertion of chest tubes if one dose given approximately 30 miniutes prior to procedure. 

220.  Narcanolin:  Ideal for post operative patients and ODs.  When yelling doesn't work, try narcanolin. 

221.  Obamolin:  One drop of Obama tears in each amp will solve all your problems. Side effects include:  laziness and dependence.  (Note: this one was sent to me from a friend.  If you're offended, place 2 drops of justhavinfunnolin in your drink.  Justhavingfunnolin will also sooth muscle spasms from laughing too much.)

222.  Cementolin:  Lungs that are like cement make the heart work harder because it's like pounding  on the cement like pleura.  Cementolin relaxes the lungs to the heart pounding against the lungs doesn't hurt the heart so much. 

223:  Ventolin NG

SymptomGeneral post operative

Diagnosis: General surgery

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  Beta-adrenergic adheres to nasal gastric tube to prevent spasming of the tube and therefore enhance movement of stomach contents to the suction container. 

224: Seizurebuterol

Symptoms:  intractable pain, Seizure

Diagnosis:  Ketoacidosis; epilepsy;

Frequency:  QID

Effect:  Sooths and relaxes the myelen sheaths in the cerebral cortex to minimize spasms of the head and shoulders.  May be alternated with headandshouldersuterol.  The medicine should be given at a frequency of QID.  Pulmilubricort should be given BID to lubricate the albuterol particles to help crossage of the blood-brain barrier.  

225:  Pulmilubricort: Should be given to any ventolin product whereby the desired action is to cross the blood brain barrier to generate some type of calming effect within the mind and body. This medicine smooths and lubricates albuterol products so that they can easily squeeze through the blood brain barrier without being seen by the blood-brain police.  May have best effect if given with abscondlin.  Some examples of 'olins that would benefit with the addition of pulmilubricort: Palbuterol, Hiccuputerol, Exorcistobuterol, Revivolin, etc.  It may also be trialed with Muchtolateagain in an effort to stimulate the brain of a patient in cardiopulmonary arrest.  

226.  Abscondlin: Specially coated molecule that allows albuterol byproduct to elude the blood barrier police department to surreptitiously make an illegal crossing of the blood brain barrier.  Very effective when trying to treat any disorder causing seizures, or where there is a high risk of seizure, including keto acidosis, drug overdose, ETOH, detoxification, epilepsy, etc.  It is also effective as an alternate therapy for albuterol products intended to easy the pain and suffering of the patient, caregiver, or family members.  There are many combinations that may be effective, such as Palbuterol, 

227.  No-moanxietinex:  Instead of ordering anxiolytics for patients who are short of breath, some physicians prefer to wait until the patient is extremely labored, anxoius, tachypneic and tachycardic.  In response to these symptoms, the nurse calls for a rapid response team, and the hospitalist orders a stat and Q4 no-moanxietinex.

228. Fulmicort

Symptoms: wet, harsh audible wheeze (what smart ass RTs call a cardiac wheeze)

Diagnosis:  Renal Failure, sepsis, systemic inflammatory response syndrome (SIRS), noncardiogenic fulminating edema and faux sepsis

Frequency:  BID

Effect:  Fulmicort is thought to fimilate failing fibers in the frenal fibules in order to increase renal function to soothe annoying throat noises made by excess fluid in lungs.  It works great for noncardiogenic foaming fulmonary edema. 

The medicine crosses into the bloodstream where a ventolin-like soothing foaming scrubbin bubblin action cleanses and smoothens the linings of all vessels in order to wash away (scrub away) unwanted arterial inflammation that results from sepsis and 

It may also have an effect of sterilizing the lungs, thus eliminating the need to worry about sepsis.  

229.  Pneumoniacort

Symptoms: dyspnea, wheeze (that RTs call a throat wheeze)

Diagnosis:  Pneumonia

Frequency:  BIDe the way, all members of the pulmicort family of medicines must be given exactly 12 hours apart just because we can do it.  

Effect:  Just the mellifluous sound of "pneumoniacort" makes the lungs sweet as honey, and, golly gee, this must make the lungs sweet enough to expectorate that there pneumonia.

230.  Last-ditch-macort

Symptoms:  General

Diagnosis:  Sepsis, COPD, asthma, Cystic fibrosis, pneumonia, CHF, ARDS, failure to thrive, hangnails, detox, etc.

Frequeny:  BID

Effect:  Studies showed that when a patient was given pulmicort as a last ditch effort after two weeks of failed ventolin, lasix, steroid, antibiotic and prayer therapy, the patient eventually got better because of the pulmicort.  The study concluded that pulmicort might as well be given to all patients upon time of admission until discharge.

231.  Float-away:

Symptoms:  dyspnea

Diagnosis:  CHF

Frequency:  Q6

Effect:  Float-away is a combination of pulmicort with Duoneb.  Foaming Bubble action formed by the combination of pulmicort, albuterol and atrovent dilate the airway so the foam can drift out of the lungs.  If left constricted, foam will stay down there.

232.  Fullmoterol (brand fenoterol)

Symptoms:  increased secretions, patient is full of secretions, patient is gurgling, throat is full of secretions, pt unable to spit up secretions, pt has a week cough, death rattle, yellow secretions, etc.

Diagnosis:  various, MS, weakness, neuromuscular disease, near death, death rattle, etc.

Frequency:  BID

Effect:  It's recommended as a part of fullmonary therapy, or efforts to make the patient increase sputum production.  It's usually given in conjunction with CPT.
Usually when such a therapy is ordered, the RT will go on a rant like this: "The patient's large airways are already full of shit, and now you want to create more shit.  This patient already has a week cough, if this is one of the few times times the medicine actually works, he'll drown."  Silly RT rants, hey?

233. Foamoterol brand fenoterol

Symptoms:  fluid overload, over sedation

Diagnosis:  stupid doctor thinking 35,000 cc of fluid followed by xanax was the best way of treating grandmas's post operative condition

Frequency:  BID

Effect:  It's a part of FOOM therapy.  FOOM is an acronym: Fluid Overload, Over
Medicated.  Foamoterol is supposed to act as both a stimulant while deflating the static energy of foam present in airways.  It works similar to vodka.

234.  Open-up therapy:

Symptom: Crackles in bases and low SpO2

Diagnosis:  General; post operative

Frequency:  once

Effect:  The patient has crackles in the bases, so the treatment should help open the lungs up to bring up that sat. 

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