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Saturday, January 31, 2009

Have you seen this patient???

Disclaimer: This post was written by an anonymous author.  The patient he describes is a generalization.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.

Chances are you've seen this patient at a hospital near you. I will provide a picture of him. Let me know if you've seen him.
  1. Summer teeth (that's sum 'er there, sum 'er not)
  2. The sum he has is not white
  3. Gray scraggly beard down to his nipples with bread crumbs on it
  4. Hard, crusty feet a dark brown or even black color
  5. His toes look like they might fall off
  6. His ankles are swollen (edemitous)
  7. Strong BO (that's body odor)
  8. White stuff in hair. What is it???
  9. Dark brown spot on the draw sheet he was lying on
  10. Really nice, but very blunt
  11. Looks mean, may look intimidting, but sweet as a teddy bear
  12. Never wears of shirt
  13. Very overweight with a belly the size of a truck
  14. Tattoo's at random locations around his bod -- some with boobs
  15. Not married. Has girlfriend you don't want me to describe, but she talks about dees and dose things and says "and shit and that" a lot
  16. Crumbs all over the bed, and he doesn't care
  17. Has a scruffy voice, but speaks softly and is taciturn
  18. Pisses in a urinal with the door open and while you are in room
  19. His visitors smell of BO, piss and cigarette smoke
  20. He snores horrendously loud at night unless his BiPAP or CPAP is on
  21. Never complains unless his back "hurts like hell" or his breathing is "miserable."
  22. Actually has a neat sense of humor
  23. He's a member of the 50-50 club (That's Co2 and PO2)
  24. He has Albuterol ordered every 4 hours but never "needs" them and never complains either
  25. Clears his throat every few minutes
  26. Spits big gobs of thick yellow sputum into a basin he keeps right next to the urinal full of pee which is right next to crackers and cheese
  27. His room often is redolent of pee
  28. His diagnosis is COPD and CHF and etc.
I am an anonymous author.  Thank you for the opportunity to share my piece.


Anonymous said...

Classic! I've seen this same exact guy in four states. I think there are thousands of him out there...what would we do without him?

Unknown said...

I've seen this guy before too. On different occasions.

You forgot to mention this breath all smells like Listerine because he can't drink alcohol in the hospital... but you'll leave and come back an hour later to find him with an empty jug of mouth wash.

Yo mama! said...

I forgot, but thanks for putting that image back in my head.

I'm gonna have nightmares tonight....about the toenails.

Thanks a lot. :P

And really, what the hell is that white flaky stuff? Is he a snake?

Anonymous said...

OH! Wow. Who HASN'T seen this patient?

Somenurse said...

Oh yeah, we got 20 of them! You forgot to mention the yellow tinged beard and hair, as well as the callouses between his first and middle finger.

Anonymous said...

I'm a podiatry student- we see this guy for the crusty feet and swollen legs. Heck, I'm not even in your country and I see him!

Rick Frea said...

Thanks for stopping by. It's neat how similar people can be across the board.