Have you seen this patient???

Disclaimer: This post was written by an anonymous author.  The patient he describes is a generalization.  Any resemblance to persons living or dead is merely coincidental.

Chances are you've seen this patient at a hospital near you. I will provide a picture of him. Let me know if you've seen him.

1. Summer teeth (that's sum 'er there, sum 'er not)
2. The sum he has is not white
3. Gray scraggly beard down to his nipples with bread crumbs on it
4. Hard, crusty feet a dark brown or even black color
5. His toes look like they might fall off
6. His ankles are swollen (edemitous)
7. Strong BO (that's body odor)
8. White stuff in hair. What is it???
9. Dark brown spot on the draw sheet he was lying on
10. Really nice, but very blunt
11. Looks mean, may look intimidting, but sweet as a teddy bear
12. Never wears of shirt
13. Very overweight with a belly the size of a truck
14. Tattoo's at random locations around his bod -- some with boobs
15. Not married. Has girlfriend you don't want me to describe, but she talks about dees and dose things and says "and shit and that" a lot
16. Crumbs all over the bed, and he doesn't care
17. Has a scruffy voice, but speaks softly and is taciturn
18. Pisses in a urinal with the door open and while you are in room
19. His visitors smell of BO, piss and cigarette smoke
20. He snores horrendously loud at night unless his BiPAP or CPAP is on
21. Never complains unless his back "hurts like hell" or his breathing is "miserable."
22. Actually has a neat sense of humor
23. He's a member of the 50-50 club (That's Co2 and PO2)
24. He has Albuterol ordered every 4 hours but never "needs" them and never complains either
25. Clears his throat every few minutes
26. Spits big gobs of thick yellow sputum into a basin he keeps right next to the urinal full of pee which is right next to crackers and cheese
27. His room often is redolent of pee
28. His diagnosis is COPD and CHF and etc.

I am an anonymous author.  Thank you for the opportunity to share my piece.