|The goo on the back of these stickers|
proven to work like Vick's VapoRub
As a part of the study, 8 people complaining of shortness of breath and chest tightness were given an EKG upon admission to the emergency room, followed by two more every two hours, followed by one each morning until discharge. The control group of 2 patients all did not have EKGs done, except for the initial one in the emergency room.
All the patients who had serial EKGs eventually got better, except one male who developed nosocomial COPD and was disqualified. Both the patients in the control group developed physician acquired pulmonary edema and were both disqualified.
|Not these! |
These don't resemble
Dr. Bill Senseless, who heads the Faux Pulmonary Research Project at the University, said, "The only conclusion we could make from this was that EKG therapy works to open up airways by osmosis through the skin to the airways. It works similar to Vick's Vapor Rub, only it's more profitable for physicians as we get $40 for just looking at the interpretation already on the EKG."
This study verifies the newly formed belief among the medical community that serial EKGs actually have therapeutic effects. It was for this reason that many health organizations have recommended a minimum of three minutes door to EKG time for all patients complaining of chest pain.
Further studies will not be performed to verify the results. However, a future study will be eventually prove EKG goo has real or perceived cardiac benefits.
Nausea, arm pain, hang nails, and rancid smelling patients are generally treated the same as chest pain and tightness. ACLS recommends a door to EKG time of 10 minutes for chest pain. The Real Physician's Creed recommends a door to EKG time of 10 seconds. Based on these recommendations, the Keystone Collaborate has succeeded in increasing the door to EKG time to three minutes so they have another reason not to pay if they don't want to.
Dr. Senseless said that he has already sent a recommendation to the Real Physician's Creed Association to look into adding an EKG as a top-line treatment for all patients who come to the emergency room complaining of shortness of breath. This should be performed immediately before or immediately after a bronchodilator, repeated Q2 times 3, then Qam.
"And this is the minimum we require," Dr. Senseless added, "If it makes a doctor feel better, more can be ordered. We actually had one nurse recommend an EKG because a patient had a stuffy nose, and it worked like a charm. She said the respiratory therapist complained about wasting his time and that this only worked because it made the patient feel like something was being done. We're used to such sniveling by RTs. We just know it works because because of the Vapo Rub Effect."