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Monday, February 25, 2013

Here's how to be seen right away in an ER

So you know how it is in those big city emergency rooms: they are busy.  Sometimes you might have to wait over an hour to be seen for the wart on your penis that you decided you all of a sudden needed to see an ER doctor for, or the sniffles and sneezes that poeple who have to pay a deductable stay home and just deal with like your grandpa did. 

But, to be honest (and maybe I should keep my mouth shut here), there is one sure fire way that you can get your butt moved right to the front of the line.  Yes there is, and it's called chest pain.  If you have chest pain you will be seen right away.  There's no dinking around with chest pain. 

Yep, even faux chest pain results in immediate care.  Surely you might be overwhelmed by nurses and doctors, who are pent to strip off your clothing, poke you with needles, and do an EKG every hour until you are discharged. But somewhere along the way you can say to the doctor: "Oh, and by the way, I have a wart on my penis I'd like you to take a look at."

The down side to this is you might get admitted.  Well, you might get admitted because if you "had" chest pain you must get serial EKGs and have a stress test to make sure you're heart really is fine.  Even if you change your mind, or come clean about lying about chest pain, you won't be believed.  The hospital will make as much money off you as possible.

Oh, and if you don't get admitted, you'll probably need a holter monitor. Yes, we need to make sure you're not having irregular rhythms.  And we know that if we do this we probably won't get the holter back, but because laws say we have to treat you no matter how much of a dunderhead you are, we have to give you one of our $19,000 holters to take home anyway. 

And what the hey will you do with the holters you keep anyway?


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