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Saturday, August 25, 2012

10 things I would say at work if I won the lotto

Recently there was a Mega Lotto jackpot worth greater than $500,000,000.  The pot grew to over $800,000,000 before it was won by three lucky (or unlucky depending on how you look at it) people.  It gave millions a reason to dream.  My coworkers dreamed they'd quit their jobs.  But when I was asked if I'd quit my job I said, "No way!"

"Why?" they all asked.  "It's not like you never complain about it."

I explained to them that if I won the lotto it would take the monkey off my back.  I could go to work and be myself instead of the person they make me to be.  If I won the lotto I could go to work and do what I think it right, and speak the truth, without fear of losing my job.

Now I wouldn't purposely try to stir up dirt and trouble. No.  I'm not that kind of person. In fact, I like to avoid controversy.  And losing your job is controversy and stress.  But if I didn't need to work, if I didn't need the paycheck and the insurance, then I could go to work without a monkey on my back.

The following are the top ten things I would do if I won the lotto, all assuming I would continue going to work:

1.  When an ER doctor orders a continuous Albuterol breathing treatment while the patient is still in the ambulance, I'll say:  "I see your ESP is working again."

2.  When a doctor orders a breathing treatment on a fulmonating pulmonary edema patient, I'll say:  "Just what we need, more fluid in already overfull lungs."

3.  When a nurse insists I give a breathing treatment on a patient just because the sat is low, I'll say:  "Sure, I'll give the treatment with oxygen so her sat goes up for five minutes."

4.  When a doctor tries to convince me a treatment is needed because she sees an infiltrate on the xray, I'll say, "Should I blow the mist over that x-ray spot?"

5.  When a doctor orders a bronchodilator just because the patient has pneumonia, I'll say:  "I didn't know there were smooth muscles and beta receptors in the alveoli.  I didn't know albuterol could get small enough to get into the lung parychema.  I didn't know albuterol treated inflammation. You're so smart to know stuff I didn't."

6.  When a breathing treatment was scheduled and I was not able to do that treatment because I was in the emergency room doing CPR on a patient, instead of lying and charting "Patient refused," as my bosses want me to, I will chart the truth:  "Treatment not given because RT too busy."

7.  When a doctor pulls me aside to tell me I'm not qualified to give her advice on how to treat a patient, I'll say:  "Respiratory therapy is beyond your scope of knowledge, and that's what I'm trained in."

8.  When my boss leaves me a note saying I forgot to chart atrovent when I gave an albuterol breathing treatment, when I forgot to give it, I'll say:  "What, do you want me to do?  lie?"

9.  When payroll requires me to lie that I ate 6 servings of fruits and veggies every day, drank 8-10 glasses of water, did stretches, did aerobic activity, did physical activity, and voted for Micky Lolich for president (I was just seeing if you were paying attention), I wouldn't have to lie that I did all those things to get my 75% discount on my health insurance.  Instead I'd say, "I'm not doing that BS.  I'm tired of lying."

10.  When a doctor leaves a patient room without even listening to the patient's lung sounds, and then charts, "Lungsounds are clear," I will say:  "Would you like to borrow my stethoscope so you can write the truth about those lungsounds, because I heard a crackle in the left base."

How about you?  What would you do if you won the loto?


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