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Friday, February 26, 2010

Dr's.Creed: Nonrespiratory disorders treatable with b2 agonists

Warning: What follows is top secret information surreptitiously leaked to me via one of the nations elite pulmonologists from an elite teaching hospital. Read at your own risk. This is not edited, yet explains the reason for needless bronchodilator for patients with no respiratory disorders.

Section B8
Providing a resolution for disorders not associated with the respiratory tract often poses a problem for the physician unwilling to succumb to the rational theories of the the preposterous type. Now we know what follows may go against "rational" thought, yet when in doubt beta agents work to treat just about any bodily disorder or disease process.
Basically when all else fails, give a bronchodilator breathing treatment. If that isn't sufficient enough to reverse the process, don't be afraid to administer 2.5mg Albuterol X 10 into the IV with 30cc/kg normal saline run at a slow rate.
The following are disease processes, and our recommended solution:
  1. Dehydration: When all else fails give Bronchodilator Rehydratolin. It's a fluid after all
  2. Headache: When all else fails give Bronchodilator Migrainex. It's known to ease pain and suffering because it makes patients think we are actually doing something. It's Hopeolin. It also increases blood flow and binds with seratonin to altering it's ability to bind with certain receptors near effected neurons outside the cranium.
  3. Diarrhea: You've tried everything, so now it's time to try to reach the beta 2 receptors in the bowel. It's time to give Bronchodilator Antirunnypooputerol. So Ventolin hydrates, it dehydrates too. It's normal saline properties absorbs fluid from the digestive tract to ease that poopy feeling.
  4. Priapism: Again, give Q4-ever penile blood sucking Ventolin juices to soften the penile blood barrier and, thus, causing blood to re-enter the systemic circulation. That's right, as a last resort, give bronchodilator unstiffen.
  5. Any Cancer: So you've tried everything, it's time to start the bronchodilator melaNOmolin regime you've tried for every other illness. Bronchodilator properties are known to break up unwanted tissue, at which time it is absorbed by Ventolin particles in the blood stream, screened by renal tissue, and excreted out the urethra. Note: see #6 below. It's important here to keep the renal system in tip top shape
  6. Renal failure: While this is a far shot, and the reason it's a last ditch effort. However, given the seriousness of Renal failure, antitoxuterol should be trialed -- at least trialed. A reaction there revives dying cells and regenerates cell growth in necrotic renal tissue so the kidney is provided new life, and is able to filter wastes, produce urine and maintain fluid balances. Without this bronchodilator, renal tissue death will result in loss of the ability to filter toxins in the body, which can affect the blood, brain and heart, as well as other complications. Renal failure is very serious and even deadly if left untreated, so make sure you keep Ventolin on hand for such emergencies. May be alternated with Keepmealiveolin. Note: Do not give to DNR patients, as it may delay the inevitable.
  7. Old age: Telemereuterol is a bronchodilator that can be used to block the countdown clock called the telomere from causing cells to die or result in cancer. The telemere is, a region of repetitive DNA at the end of each chromosome. Each time the cells divide a part of the telomere is lost. When enough telomere is gone the division starts cutting into the chromosome itself. Important genetic information is lost and the cell dies. When enough cells die, you age and die. On the down side, when cells ignore the loss of the telemeres and don't die, they become cancerous and you die. Biologists feel that this telemere countdown is a tradeoff between aging and cancer. Telemeruterol, thus, prevents aging and cancer.
  8. Wrinkles: So your patient wants recommendations to get rid of the lines of aging. After you've tried more conventional methods, it's time to try Anti-wrinkle-uterol. After it dilates already dilated bronchioles, it will proceed to settle just under the epidermis and forms a glycerin-like substance when it binds with dermal B2 receptors, thus smoothing the skin.
  9. Gray Hair: Our hair becomes gray because pigment cells in follicles at the base of our hair stop producing melanin. So, if your patient gets tired of using dye's all the time, have them blow Melaninolin mists over their hair. This will settle into the hair, absorb down to these follicles, and bind with beta receptors just under the epidermis. Here, a chemical reaction over time causes melaninolin, which stimulates the increased production of melanin.
  10. Balding: Androgenetic alopecia-uterol is a bronchodilator that can be dried and sprinkled on the balding spot on your head if your patient desperate for a far fetched way to end the loss of hair and generate new growth. You can also try anti-Dihydrotestosteronentolin, which stops Dihydrotestosterone (DHT), a byproduct of testosterone from striking unsuspecting hair follicles which causes new hairs to become shorter and shorter. These ventolin agents can, over a period of 8-100 years, stop hair loss and regenerate new hair. Recommended regime is Q4-ever. Note: If given over a period of 50+ years, and close to the time of death, hair will continue to grow up to 30 years post-mortem.
  11. Insomnia: Bronchodilator Circraniumuterol. It's soporific drone will put anyone to sleep.
  12. Lethargic: Bronchodilator Revivolin causes an adrenergic response that will rivive anyone eventually.
  13. Ulcer: H-KillPyloriex is an h-pylori killer. However, whether or not this medicine actually can survive in the low pH (high acidity content) of the stomach remains controversial.
  14. Acne: Antipustuterol is the agent of choice when other options are used up. Absorbed in the lungs, to the blood stream, and settling on the hair follicles, it causes a reduction of follicular papules. This use of Ventolin products plays along with it's anti-inflammatory ability.
  15. Anemia: Anaemihemuterol doesn't necessarily increase the blood supply, however if you're desperate for something unproven, it has been theorized that Ventolin doubles the binding power of Hemoglobin, thus producing Hemoglobin molecules that appear to be on steroids, and are able to hold twice as many oxygen molecules. This is a far fetched unproven theory, yet when you're desperate we make RTs do some crazy things.
  16. Mycardial infarction: Along with treating cardiac wheezes, Balloonolin binds to fake beta adrenergic receptors along the coronary arteries and dilate blocked sections. This is a also a great prophylactic therapy for any patient with coronary artery disease, heart failure, PE, DIC or similar ailment Works well in conjunction with Heparinuterol.
  17. Bowel obstruction: Balloonolin is useful here too, in that it can dilate the obstructed part of the bowel. Once dilated, Absorbolin (also used to treat pneumonia, pleural effusions, pulmonary edema and pulmonary embolism) is inserted through a scope over the obstruction, and the obstruction is absorbed. This is a good alternative when surgery is not an option.*
  18. Necrotic Bowel: Bronchodilator Revivolin is poured over the necrotic section, and the adrenergic response causes the dead tissue to regenerate*.
*Note: Of course we prefer to do surgery because that fills our wallets better, so be especially certain to be furtive with this awesome new therapy. and -- for God's sake -- don't allow this to be leaked to the public.

This is an ongoing list that will be added to as we obtain more information from our undercover physician agent.

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